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2005 AWARDS
CHAMPION - DCStL Yeah Dudes. Owner Gabe Glasscock drafted strong throughout,
stockpiling RBs and getting breakout years from players like Steve Smith
to be a frontrunner from beginning to end. Also helped greatly by a record-
setting TD year from Shaun Alexander, who has become the new Priest Holmes.
There is a light at the end of the JIT tunnel for this former JIT cynic.
MVP - Shaun Alexander, RB, DCStL Yeah Dudes. Record-setting 28 rushing TDs
for the 4th overall pick in the draft. Was the workhorse for the Champion
Yeah Dudes all season, who also wound up leading the league in points.
LVP - Wow. I'm just going to list some 1st round draft picks: #6 Daunte
Culpepper (Destroyers), #7 Willis McGahee (Swingers), #8 Randy Moss (Clubbers),
#9 Terrell Owens (Blowsticks), #10 Jamal Lewis (Hoodlums), #11 Donovan McNabb
(Snatch), #12 Deuce McAllister (Browns). Eliminating those who were injured
from contention, we'll call it a tie between Messers Moss and Lewis. A combined
10 TDs between the 2.
TFWCT (Team the Fates Were Cruelest Towards) - Another tough call. Not too many
teams were completely screwed by their schedule or their points left on the
bench as the 'What might have been' page attests. We'll call this one the
Blowsticks, whose first 2 picks were Terrell Owens and Ahman Green, whose seasons
ended prematurely for various reason. He then picked up Daunte Culpepper the
week he lost for the season. Of course his 3rd and 4th picks were Jerome Bettis
and Todd Heap. That's not cruel fate, that's hard stupidity.
LT (Luckiest Team) - CA Snatch. Despite not making the playoffs, they were in
it until the final week and would have made it if not for an untimely benching
of WR Lee Evans. Nevertheless, too many 15-12 games and a practice squadesque lineup
warrant this award.
LLGP (Least Likely Good Pickup) - Mark Brunell, QB, Fish Clubbers. Picked
up for the measly sum of Trent Dilfer. A player whose career for all intents and purposes
was washed up, he wound up 9th in total QB points.
BLRDP (Best Late Round Draft Pick) - Eli Manning, QB, Delaware Destroyers.
11th round draft pick benefited from a good team around him and good play to
finish sixth for all QB points.
BT (Best Trade) - Joey Galloway for Daunte Culpepper, CA Snatch. As mentioned before,
Culpepper turned around the same week and promptly blew out his knee like Swamy
in a 30+ year old pickup football game. Galloway wound up in the top 10 in WR
points and kept the Snatch viable for a long time.
WT (Worst Trade) - Reverse the best transaction for the Blowsticks.
Maybe it's not the fates.
MAWUTTF (Might As Well Use the Transactions, They're Free) -
Always love a good TE exchange, especially when both are completely useless. Using
that logic, we'll go with Doug Jolley, TE, NYJ for Erron Kinney, TE, TEN - Aventura
Hellraisers. The presses definitely stopped for this one.
DYN (not Did You Know, rather Did You Notice?) - The teams making the playoffs
drafted #1, #2, #3, #4, #5 and #7. And #6 wound up close and would have made
it in the what might have been scenario. Think draft position matters???
See you in Vegas for the 11th Annual JIT Draft Extravaganza! Book your
hookers now!!!
EARLY ODDS TO WIN 2006 JIT CHAMPIONSHIP:
Florida Fisters 4-1
DCStL Yeah Dudes 4-1
Kameron Krazies 5-1
Sammy's Swingers 6-1
Aventura Hellraisers 7-1
Delaware Destroyers 9-1
CA Snatch 10-1
Buzzard's Boozers 10-1
Baylick Browns 12-1
Fish Clubbers 15-1
Blowsticks 18-1
Hadley Hoodlums 100-1
EARLY ODDS TO SHOW UP FOR 2006 JIT VEGAS DRAFT:
Florida Fisters 25-1
DCStL Yeah Dudes 2-1
Kameron Krazies 5-1
Sammy's Swingers 5-1
Aventura Hellraisers 15-1
Delaware Destroyers 3-1
CA Snatch off the board
Buzzard's Boozers 1.5-1
Baylick Browns 20-1
Fish Clubbers 3-1
Blowsticks 18-1
Hadley Hoodlums 2-1
Championship
DCStL Yeah Dudes 41
Sammy's Swingers 19 (OT: 10)
Florida Fisters 19 (OT: 8)
Congratulations to the 2005 JIT League Champions, the DCStL Yeah Dudes. Clearly
the most cumbersome name to win the trophy, at least since Ambrosio's A Dehilis.
The Yeah Dudes used three Shaun Alexander TDs in route an easy win in the final
tilt. The #1 overall seed lived up to their billing; coincidentally Mr Alexander
also scored three TDs to lead the CA Snatch to the 2004 championship. Coincidence
or karma? One does not know. One one does know is that they led to 41 total points
and the easy 'W', despite leaving Santana Moss' equaling of Mr Alexander's three TDs on the
proverbial pine.
Sammy's Swingers put on an early push with two Larry Johnson TDs, but couldn't
sustain the momentum and only got 7 additional points in putting up 19 total.
One err in judgment was the starting of former Iowa kicker Nate Kaeding, who
only managed one point in the effort. Though the gameday atmosphere may be
unparalleled, the performance certainly is not. The Swingers did manage to
take second place using their overtime player, Kelly Holcomb, in the first
championship tie of any kind in league history. They tied with
Florida Fisters, who got TDs out of Jake Plummer and Mike Anderson in the Denver game
but little else to sustain to effort in coming in 3rd place, also with 19 points,
but losing the tiebreaker 10-8. Ultimately, precious little out of their skill
players did the Fisters in, who in the end were happy to be in the money for the
third straight year. They are nothing else if not consistent. Or just lucky to
get the right draft pick.
Stay Tuned for 2005 Reviews and Awards - there's sure to be some feelings hurt
and egos bruised again this year! We'll also see everyone's favorite - "What
Might Have Been".
Playoffs
We're in the money! The Playoffs results are in and the Championship for 2005
is set.
The top seeded DCStL Yeah Dudes lived up to their billing, if not their name,
in beating the hot but apparently not sizzling Buzzard's Boozers 47-27. While
the Boozers were game, in the end the Yeah Dudes simply had too much firepower.
Steve Smith scored 2 TDs in leading the balanced attack and leaving no points
on the bench, always important but especially so during the playoffs. The Boozers
took an early lead on Tom Brady's 3 TDs, but 2 Drew Bennett TDs left on the
bench and a barrage of Yeah Dude TDs eventually did them in. Still, a strong
showing for Year 1 of the Boozer history. "We did some good things this year,
but we're looking for bigger things in Year 2. No sophomore slump for us," said
Buzzards' owner Chad Buzzard as he passed out the team bonus of Jack Daniels
and crack vials. Inspiration indeed. Yeah Dudes' owner Gabe Glasscock commiserated
with Mr. Buzzard: "It took a few years of building, but now we've got this
thing figured out. Much like the Bengals." The Yeah Dudes will be shooting it out
with
Sammy's Swingers, who eked out a hard fought 33-31 victory over the 2nd seeded
Aventura Hellraisers, keeping them out of the money. The Swingers' late season
surge has not surprising coincided with the emergence of Larry Johnson, who
scored again with 2 TDs for said Swingers. The victory would have been much
more decisive expect for 9 Nate Kaeding points left on the bench. Should not an
Iowa boy know better? Former Hawkeye players are unparalleled. A win
nonetheless. Owner Aaron Smith was typically elated, scrawling "Swingers Rule"
on Christmas cards and finally tossing his Erick Rhett voodoo doll. Hellraisers'
owner Chris Ambrosio was forlorn in defeat, rueing the sitting of kicker Ryan
Longwell in favor of the polish bazooka Sebastion Janikowski, who went for
all of one point. "Damn pollock," said the ever sensitive Mr Ambrosio.
"At least my team looks good losing. And they are hung like a mexican
donkey in a cheap underground porno." We'll take your word on that.
The third player in the championship shootout is the Florida Fisters, who
look to avenge last year's disappointment with a victory in '05. The Fisters
used 2 Mike Anderson TDs to a relatively easy 32-22 victory over the
Kameron Krazies, who claimed foul play, discrimination and tarnation in
their playoff loss. In reality, no points out of your QB and RB positions
usually add up to an L and a position on the sidelines watching. "Brutha
could not get a witness," said the dejected Krazies' owner Edgar Melvin.
Being that the witness' name is Flavor Flav, I'll allow the testimony!
Winning owner Tom Ambrosio was subdued in victory, saying, "They're animals
anyway, so let them lose their souls." Little else was heard from the darkened
office while Mr Ambrosio stroked his precious cat. After losing last years'
Championship as a prohibitive favorite, one can only imagine what he has in
mind for the winner this year should his team fall.
Only 5 shopping days until JIT Year 10 Championship. Stay tuned for the exciting
shootout matchup:
Seed 1: DCStL Yeah Dudes
vs
Seed 5: Sammy's Swingers
vs
Seed 4: Florida Fisters
Week 14 Review
It's Year 10, another banner year, and the playoffs are set! We'll get to the finalists
and the seedings in a bit, but first the weekly results.
Aventura Hellraisers continued their master of the league with a 26-16 victory
over Hadley Hoodlums. The wins haven't always pretty, but they have been
plentiful for the Hellraisers. "Hey, I might not be Fabio, but the chicks
dig me and that's what matters," says owner Chris Ambrosio. Hoodlums' owner
Tim Bishko filed a grievance against the league, saying he thought it was a
golf league and he was supposed to score the least. Apparently he's thought that
for 9 years.
Meanwhile, in the barnburner blockbuster shootout of the week, Florida Fisters
edged Fish Clubbers 15-13 in the final ignominy of the season for the latter.
"I second the notion introduced by my less good-looking brother," said Fisters'
leader Tom Ambrosio. "Just win baby, ugly or otherwise." Clubbers' owner
still has good seats available for his 6 remaining ticketholders. Right on
top of the action.
In the last bit of irony and lunacy for this season, the Kameron Krazies and
Baylick Browns battled to a 27-27 tie, the 3rd tie of the season. While it
ultimately affects neithers standing int he standings, each felt let down by
an unsatisfactory end to the season. "Homey don't play dat (ties). Can I
get 1 rib? How much for one rib?", said Krazies' owner Edgar Melvin, while
Browns' owner Piccolo Swamy sprinkled some curry on his balls and danced a
jig for luck next season.
Another of the great rivalry games saw Sammy's Swingers top Blowsticks 33-14.
Seems that the Swingers are finally turning things around against their old
nemesis. Owner Aaron Smith attributed the change in fortune to the demon
exercising ritual he performed on his high school helmet, along with moving it
1000 miles from antagonistic owner Mike Reeves. Mr Reeves, when reached for comment,
only said, "We're on the recruiting trail and building for a banner year in 2008.
We're trying to build a winning tradition here. You're not going to tell me how
to run our team right now."
Buzzard's Boozers completed their ascent to respectability with a 30-16 dubbing
of the hapless CA Snatch. Rookie owner Chad Buzzard revelled in the late season
climb, saying, "You pricks laughed at my draft, now I laugh at your daft
seasons." He didn't really say that, I'm feeling Seussian. CA Snatch owner
Greg Mest began creating his Lee Evans room, much like that prick in Ace
Ventura did for Dan Marino. It's a short trip from greatness to madness and
maddeningness, just ask the Eagles.
Finally, the DCStL Yeah Dudes had no problems with Delaware Destroyers, 39-13.
Losing owner John Farro was so caught up in Cowboy fever he barely noticed the
loss, saying he was going to parlay his JIT losses into a Cowboy / Florida Atlantic
Owls double win in the lovely Tropicana Sports Book and Poker Room. Yeah Dudes'
owner Gabe Glasscock in the meantime, took out a loan against his assumed
future winnings to pay for some "paraphenalia" and a name change application.
Without further ado, here are the Playoff seedings and matchups for JIT Year 10:
Seed 1: DCStL Yeah Dudes
vs
Seed 6: Buzzard's Boozers
Seed 2: Aventura Hellraisers
vs
Seed 5: Sammy's Swingers
Seed 3: Kameron Krazies
vs
Seed 4: Florida Fisters
Week 13 Review
It's lucky week 13 and we're almost to the finish line. In the first year of the
twisted logic rankings, the top teams are sorting themselves out nicely. The Florida
Fisters cemented their playoff position with a 32-23 win over the Hadley Hoodlums,
who continued to cement their familiar position outside of the playoffs with another
lackluster performance. The Fisters used 2 surprised TDs from DeShaun Foster to
claim another victim, this one a hapless cucumber disguised as a more hapless
Minuteman.
Meanwhile, Sammy's Swingers used an inspired effort to wipe the floor with the
Kameron Krazies, 44-24. The Swingers used 2 TDs each from Larry Grandmama Johnson
and TJ Howlongismynameshmandzadeh to take and keep an early lead. Brothers cannot
get a witness on this one, or at least the witnesses are on CPT.
In a matchup of teams that will be home for the holidays, the Blowsticks stormed
to a 19-15 win over the Baylick Browns. "It's only the beginning of the start
of something that could start to be something big," said loquacious Blowsticks' owner
Mike Reeves. Browns' owner Piccolo Swamy prepared for the Kama Sutra Cheerleading
Championships, figuring he had a better change in that venue than 2005 Fantasy Football.
Buzzard's Boozers are fighting to the end, waxing the Delaware Destroyers 30-7 and
trying to prove a point in the process. Winning owner Chad Buzzard was fired up, saying,
"I'm ready for the playoffs - bring it on punks!" Too bad his team hasn't acutally made
the playoffs yet. Hold your horses son. Destroyers' owner John Farro was called for
comment but unavailable as cell phones are turned off in the poker pits.
Aventure Hellraisers eked out a 22-18 win over the Fish Clubbers to continue their
top record push. Hellraisers' owner Chris Ambrosio celebrated with Italian wine,
pesto pasta and a dark, large nosed, moustached woman of his choice. The Clubbers are
launching a formal protest over the lineup he turned in, despite the fact he's only in
one league currently and the fact he didn't turn in a lineup.
Finally, the DCStL Yeah Dudes topped the CA Snatch 36-23 in the Kaboom toilet bowl cleaner
game of the week. The Yeah Dudes celebrated their victory by replaying every Grey Poupon
ever aired, presumably preparing for his good life after a JIT Championship. CA Snatch
owner Greg Mest performed machistic acts for leaving 18 points of Lee Evans on the
bench, but had trouble finding pain points in his body for the numbness caused by
MNF and the BCS.
There's 1 week left until the playoffs and I've got absolutely nothing interesting
left to say. Let's hope the games and the results speak for themselves.
Week 12 Review
We'll dispense with the formalities, the regalities and the sobriety this week
and get right to the point. The playoffs are right around the corner and
still nothing is decided. What is decided is that it was a decidedly bad week
for pine time as 7 of the 12 teams left double-digit on their bench; the
Baylick Browns leading the way with what is believed to be a record
32 points sitting wayward and forlornly on the proverbial purgatory that
is the JIT bench. Alas, this inactivity led to another dismaying loss, 32-15
to Sammy's Swingers. Said Swingers are easing toward a possible playoff birth
with a patented late season run, while the Browns are easing towards a cliff
without a parachute.
Meanwhile, Buzzard's Boozers couldn't pull one out and continued their run of
beginner's tough luck, losing 32-31 to DCStL Yeah Dudes and missing out on the
weekly point bonus by 1 point as well. Amazingly, under the new ranking system,
the Boozers still have a slim slim chance to make the playoffs if everything,
and I mean everything goes their way. The Yeah Dudes maintained their
lead on the overall points race, with the Hellraisers and Krazies beathing down
their neck.
These high point teams also continued their good runs this week, and we're
not talking about bowels. The Kameron Krazies laughed all the way to the bank
in polishing off another hard luck team, the Blowsticks, 42-37. There's a reason
Blowsticks' owner Mike Reeves is affectionately known as "Mush". Even when he
has a breakout week the cards are stacked against him. If it wasn't for bad luck
he'd have no luck at all. By the way, he's got a tip for you in the next race.
The Aventura Hellraisers of Chris Ambrosio also won a heated grudge match, defeating the
Florida Fisters 23-14, owned by the brother Tom Ambrosio. Said brothers are like
brothers, and we don't mean the Afrikan kind. No, brothers in blood, and it spills
Fanstasy Football red. The defensive minded affair allowed the Yeah Dudes to widen the
narrow points lead, but don't think that this wily Italian doesn't have a
few tricks up his sleeve, and maybe in the toilet as well. Bring the canoli. Leave
the gun.
Another huge grudge match had the Fish Clubbers sticking one to the
Hadley Hoodlums 37-16. Though he's not going to make the playoffs again this
year, what better way to finish things than sticking it to an old rival and
in doing so likely keep said rival from making the playoffs themselves. Jibber
jabber walla walla. The last 2 sentences make about the same sense. Whatever. What's
trying to be said is that all's well that ends well in the land of Fish and chips.
Finally, the CA Snatch won a game they themselves admittedly had no right to win, 20-16
over the Delaware Destroyers. The latter's kicker took a few yawns and not much else
in only scoring 1 point on Monday Night Football to hand the victory to the Snatch.
As we all know, any Snatch is better than no Snatch, and an ugly win is better
than no win at all.
We've only got 2 weeks left to decide this - today 9 of the 12 teams can still make it
mathematically, and the other 3 can make it in a drug-induced logic haze. Stay tuned to
see how it pans out.
Week 11 Review
The final week of interconference play brought the game of the year so far,
featuring the 8-2 Aventura Hellraisers vs the 8-2 Kameron Krazies. The
Hellraisers used the arm of 2004 League MVP Peyton Manning to edge the
Krazies 34-29 and take the overall team lead. Krazies' owner Edgar Melvin
claimed bias, saying the league isn't ready for a black man to be in
the top spot. Surprisingly, said Melvin has been league champ twice. Chump
don't want no help, chump don't get no help. Victorious owner Chris Ambrosio
got philosophical, claiming that his victory was because light-skinned
Italians are smarter than dark-skinned ones.
Meanwhile, the DCStL Yeah Dudes tried to keep pace, upping their record to
7-4 with a 41-30 topping of the Baylick Browns. There's no love in the Show Me
state between these 2 St Louis natives, though we preferred both show us as
little as possible. Winning owner Gabe Glasscock headed to east St Louie for
some celebratory crack and hookers, while Browns' owner Piccolo Swamy scratched
his crack and hooked his nose.
Buzzard's Boozers late season rally took a hit as Sammy's Swingers
stepped up to the plate in a big way in a 40-31 victory. While RBs Larry
Johnson and Edgerrin James canceled each other with 2 TDs each, it was
Iowa Hawkeye standout Nate Kaeding who made the difference with 12 kicking
points. Oh, not to mention the Boozers leaving 18 points on the pine.
Aaron Smith claimed the win was due to painting the visiting locker room
pink, but Boozers' owner Chad Buzzard blew off the claim, saying, "I like
pink. And I like you too". Scary.
The Florida Fisters continued their run of good luck, topping the no luck
Blowsticks 30-21. While the Fisters aren't the flashiest or the most
offensive, well, save for the name, but they keep eking out wins. Like da
Bears. Like owner Tom Ambrosio's hero Al Davis says, "Just win baby". Have we
told you the story about when Al's white sweatpants fell down in a meeting?
Maybe another day. The Blowsticks in the meantime, decided to postpone their
breakout season until 2007, as they officially announced in their Monday
press conference.
Meanwhile, the Delaware Destroyers reveled in a 43-23 win over Hadley
Hoodlums, despite being $33 million under the cap due to recessionary
constraints. Winning owner John Farro celebrated by taking $2 from his eldest
son's piggy bank for rent and selling $5 worth of each of his kids' Halloween
candy take for food expenses. Hoodlums' owner Tim Bishko called Detroit
and told them bullshit. They, however, will not trade him right #$%!ing
now.
Finally, in the Oil of Olay youthful wrinkle cream game of the week, Fish
Clubbers topped CA Snatch 30-15, dimming the latters already slim playoff
chances. Winning owner Glen Fisher claimed no use of wrinkle curing creams
or injections, though clammed up when questioned on the matters of Just for Men
or Wind Tunnels. Losing owner Greg Mest was too busy buying Reggie Brown and
Mike McMahon jerseys to notice.
Week 12 brings back the intraconference games and the stretch run to the
2005 playoffs, as well as plenty of attempted whoring and successful drinking.
Week 10 Review
Certainly Murphy's Law has been the rule of the day this year and week
10 was no exception. As luck would have it, the two highest scoring
teams of the week happened to score the same amount of points. The Fish
Clubbers and Delaware Destroyers each battled for 38 points, in the end
for nothing more than a tie in the standings. Clubbers' owner Glen Fisher
looked to pick up free agent Shaun Alexander, only to find out this is
not 1996 anymore. Destroyers' owner John Farro tried to trade Chester
Taylor and $1.38 in cash for LaDanian Tomlinson, also to no avail. Hey,
$1.38 is all one can afford during a recession.
Meanwhile, the Aventura Hellraisers eked out a 23-21 win over the hapless
Blowsticks, who mulled over another lost season and their current injury list,
which outweighed their quality starter list by a 3-1 margin despite current
stud Mike Alstott and his 14 points for the week. Umm, make that
6-1. Actually, is there even 1 quality starter? Hellraisers borrowed against
their future earnings with a few hookers and some potato chips in a hell
of a party. Who says farting in the tub doesn't equal a jacuzzi?
The DCStL Yeah Dudes also kept scoring, though not at their former breakneck
pace, in beating Sammy's Swingers 25-15. Yeah Dudes' owner Gabe Glasscock
was too busy fending off calls from some senile old man looking for Shaun
Alexander to comment on the win, but the bulge in his pants told the story
after years of JIT futility. Swingers' owner Aaron Smith is currently
seeking photos of said bulge and is also unavailable for comment.
The Kameron Krazies continued their winning ways, topping the Florida
Fisters 25-18, despite a bye week for main man LanDanian Tomlinson. When
reached for comment, Krazies' owner Edgar Melvin responded with a question
of his own: "Do you mind if we dance wif yo dates?" Shamma lamma ding dong.
Fisters' owner Tom Ambrosio, obviously angered at the poor performance,
said, "They're animals anyway so let them lose their souls."
Buzzard's Boozers continued their late season surge, stepping up the 'D' in
topping the Baylick Browns 32-22. Time will tell if they have enough to sneak
into the playoffs, but in the meantime owner Chad Buzzard threw a team party with
25 cases of beer and 1 bag of pretzels. When asked if he had enough food, Buzzard
replied, "p-p-p-p-plenty". Browns' owner Piccolo Swamy snuck into the Boozer
party, posing as a hot dog vendor and saying, "Dammit if I can't get a win,
I'm going to get my money's worth somehow."
Finally, in the Huggies Diaper Crappy Game of the Week, CA Snatch held off
the Hadley Hoodlums 29-25 in a result sure to piss off loser Tim Bishko for
hours to come. When pressed for a reaction, Bishko said, "That's what we're
here for guys, to win. Man for man we're better than any #*&^!ing club in the
league." Time to sell the massage table. Victorious owner Greg Mest ordered a
new batch of matches and reflectors, since his winning record is a bug batch of
smoke and mirrors.
Week 11 sees the last of the interconference matchups and the rapid approach
of the transaction deadline. Stay tuned for more frivolity and quotes from obscure
80's comedies.
Note from Commissioner's office: Eagles' season, playoff streak, consistency and pride:
R.I.P.
Week 9 Review
Sometimes the fantasy is just that and the games work out the way they should.
Case in point is the Kameron Krazies 63-46 shootout with Buzzard's Boozers in
a game that shows what an FF game is supposed to be. The Krazies rode 4 LaDanian
Tomlinson early TDs and held on as the Monday Night game went back and forth
and lit up the scoreboard. Afterwards, victorious owner Edgar Melvin
could not be found but was last rumored to be milling about the restrooms
at Banana Joe's in Channelside.
Meanwhile, the Aventura Hellraiser kept pace, also using the MNF scorefest
to blow past the defenseless CA Snatch 47-31. Hellraisers' owner Chris
Ambrosio, a former 2-time champion, sat in the corner of his studio
apartment, counting his pennies and marking the days off on a small Hooters
calendar to what he hopes is a 3 league trophy. Snatch owner Greg Mest
called a hasty press conference, announcing that he was suspending himself
for conduct detrimental to the team.
The other league big scorer - and we don't mean female-wise - the DCStL
Yeah Dudes, rested early and often in cruising to a 31-16 win over the
Blowsticks. Winning owner Gabe Glasscock could not be reached for comment as he
was modeling for women's, uh, paraphernalia akin to his name, though the molds
apparently had to be scaled down. In more modest news, let's review the Blowsticks
top players: Duante Culpepper; Terrell Owens; Ahman Green. Oomph. In the words
of Mr T, "Good luck sucka."
The champagne and cigars were broken out once again as the Fish Clubbers
celebrated their 2nd triumph of the season, a 25-16 win over the Baylick
Browns. The ink was still dry on the contract Clubbers' owner Glen
Fisher signed with the devil: a soul for an FF title. Let's see if the wins
keep coming and that the devil forgot the other contract he already signed
with Fisher: a soul for a lifetime of windtunnel-tested hair.
Sammy's Swingers score a hairy win over the Hadley Hoodlums, 30-24, in a
game that featured the most hookers per capita of any crowd this year.
Losing owner Tim Bishko could not be reached for comment as he was driving
full blast to the Channelside district of Tampa, hopefully not for a peek
of the aforementioned Krazies owner. Swingers owner Aaron Smith, meanwhile,
was eyeing up that Yeah Dude mold and feeling a bit tingly inside.
Finally, in the Gilette Close Shave game of the week, the Florida Fisters
eked out a defensive 13-12 win over the Delaware Destroyers. Defensive as in
strong defense? No, defensive as in defending a win with only 13 points.
In the words of Johnny Upton, "It's f***ing embarassing". Oh well. Johnny
always says, you can only drink so much and screw so much. Any more games
like this and f***ing Chrysler plant here we come.
Week 10 is coming up as we hit double digits and the stretch run. Some will be
counting their wins while others will be counting their chickens, or more likely,
the eggs they've laid. That's the only thing some of these guys are laying...
Week 8 Review
The game of the week belonged to the Hadley Hoodlums and Baylick Browns,
who dueled to what wound up being a 29-28 victory by the Hoodlums over
their cross-state rivals. The Hoodlums used 2 Heath Miller TDs on Monday
night to shock the Browns, who could lay claim to feeling down, brown and
totally crappy after the close loss. Victorious owner Tim Bishko proclaimed,
"I'm back baby!" in homage to his TV equivalant, George Costanza.
Meanwhile, Bishko's erstwhile mentor, Glen Fisher, fell back to the
ranks of the rank as his Fish Clubbers were clubbed by Sammy's Swingers
40-13, ending their season-best win streak at one. Fisher was heard
saying, "Opium. The Yam Yam. You're hooked", while sympathetic Swingers'
owner Aaron Smith sang, "Get well, get well soon. We want you to get well."
The Florida Fisters used a 33-28 win over CA Snatch to tie for the league
best record at 6-2. Triumphant owner Tom Ambrosio declared, "My god, the
(king) is dead! ...And then there were two..." while losing owner Greg Mest
said, "I'm out! I'm out of the contest!" while throwing his money on the
table.
The Aventura Hellraisers continued their hellraising play in a 42-30
beating of the Delaware Destroyers, celebrating a howling Halloween weekend
in style. "No no, the mutton is just right," said winning owner Chris
Ambrosio. "This is excellent mutton. Can you pass the gravy?" while
dejected owner John Farro could only shout, "Oh, the humanity!" as his
season continued to flame.
In what was thought to be a potential point-fest, the Kameron Krazies
instead eked out a 22-17 win over the defensive DCStL Yeah Dudes. Normally
reserved Krazy owner Edgar Melvin was heard asking him team, "You put the
balm on?!? Who told you to put the balm on?" Across the hall, Yeah Dude owner
Gabe Glasscock was seen throwing a fit reminiscent of Koko the Monkey.
Finally, in the Hefty bag tie game of the week, Blowsticks and Buzzard's
Boozers played to a 24-24 draw in a game that will surely stand the test of
time as one of the most non-descript games ever. Blowsticks' owner Mike
Reeves angrily told the media, "I've got things going here you have no
idea about," while Boozers' owner Chad Buzzard stopped short of saying the
same.
Stay tuned for week 9 when several owners pull stunts of relatively
meager proportions and Rod Carew makes a guest appearance as a 3-legged man.
Week 7 Review
Start the presses - the Boozers are off the roll. But wait, stop the
presses! Taking the Boozers off their roll are the Fish Clubbers, who
notched their first win of the season 32-18 over the previously rolling
Buzzard's Boozers. Clubbers' owner Glen Fisher was pulled away from his
copy of "The Old Man and the Sea" long enough to comment, "This is only the
beginning. The tide is turning," before falling asleep.
While the Clubbers rested, the Hadley Hoodlums pulled the shock of the
week, topping the juggernaut DCStl Yeah Dudes 31-29, prompting
Yeah Dudes owner Gabe Glasscock to throw a fit and trade for yet
another running back, his 7th. The trouble is finding enough balls
to go around, even for a Glasscock.
As Hoodlums' owner Tim Dicko did the chicken dance in the VIP room
following the big win, the Aventura Hellraisers rode the storm out and
swamped the Baylick Browns 58-8 in the largest MOV (Margin of Victory)
of the season thusfar. Hellraisers' owner Chris Ambrosio raised a little
hell of his own, ordering up oysters and clams aplenty in his VIP room.
Losing owner Piccolo Swamy could barely muster enough enthusiasm to
serve up a few hot dogs.
While the weiners were cooking, the Delaware Destroyers added a little
relish to the scene in a 35-13 drubbing of the Kameron Krazies. Destroyers'
owner John Farro celebrated a big win by pissing off a new car salesman,
while Krazies' owner Edgar Melvin submitted a claim of reverse reverse
discrimination with the league office. That will be stored in the
file bin that looks like a large round can in the corner of the office.
As the Krazies typed petitions, the Florida Fisters were eking out a
27-24 win over Sammy's Swingers, whose fortunes continue to go down the
same tube as their namesakes. Fisters' owner Tom Ambrosio was heard to say,
"Let them die - they're animals anyway," and Swingers' owner Aaron Smith
was too busy hemming up some new shorts to comment on the loss, the
commentary or the team's fortunes.
Finally, as the shorts grew shorter, CA Snatch was topping Blowsticks 19-12
in the Spam Canned Ham game of the week. Blowsticks' owner Mike Reeves was
too busy rubbing Ricky Williams' sore calves and pep-talking his ear to
notice. Snatch owner Greg Mest was noticeably angry after the win, yelling
at his team to suck it up and start winning some games, despite a 5-2 record.
Stay tuned for week 8 games as the season opens part 2, act 1 in the
foolish play we call JIT 2005.
Week 6 Review
Stop the presses - the Boozers are on a roll! Apparently off the sauce
and playing sober, the Boozers rode 3 Edgerrin James' TDs to their 2nd
straight win, 49-15
over the Hadley Hoodlums, who had to eat a bit of crow after cawing
about their 2005 success. "There's nothing better than making a beak-
nosed bastard eat his words," said Boozers' owner Chad Buzzard about the
vociferous Hoodlums' owner Tim Bishko. No poetic license in that quote.
While the Boozers are breakin out the champagne, the Yeah Dudes are
stocking up on trophy polish after walloping the luckless Fish Clubbers
65-34, using 4 more Shaun Alexander TDs and tying the high game of the
year prize in the process. "I'm clean,
sometimes sober and ready to score," said Yeah Dudes maturing owner Gabe
Glasscock. "Bring on the ol' muttafrickers in dis lizeague." You can sleep
easy Eminem.
The team the Yeah Dudes tied for high game, the Aventura Hellraisers,
beat Sammy's Swingers 34-21 in the battle of the loquacious optimists.
After the games, Hellraisers' owner Chris Ambrosio said, "My team is
great and we love Aventura!", while Swingers' owner Aaron Smith said,
"My team is still great and we love Cincinnati!" Whatever.
In the battle of the nearly old men, the Florida Fisters ran it up
on the Baylick Browns 46-24, causing Fisters' owner Tom Ambrosio to
lift the gag order on his team and send back half the body bags he
ordered after last week's loss to the Boozers. Piccolo Swamy of the
Browns could only muster a "Dammit. Penn State. Dammit. Cardinals.
Dammit. Browns. Dammit." after the loss.
The Kameron Krazies continued their roster mastery in handing the CA Snatch
their 2nd straight defeat 33-28. "Cut me some slack - my momma didn't raise
no dummy," said Krazies' owner Edgar Melvin after the big win. Chump don't
want no help, chump don't get no help.
Finally, in the Alpo dog food game of the week, the Blowsticks edged
the Delaware Destroyers 11-9 in the 9th inning with some timely hitting
and good relief pitching. "Some remember the Titans. We remember the Hoodlums
(circa 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001...)," said dejected Destroyers' owner
John Farro after the single digit performance.
Stay tuned for lucky week 7 action as some look to win, some look to score,
and some are just looking for a strip club to imagine scoring.
Week 5 Review
Week 5 - One week is a blip, two is a suggestion, three is a trend and
five is a study; some have got some reading to catch up on. The
contenders and pretenders are really starting to take shape now.
The biggest mover and shaker was also the biggest winner of the week.
Kameron Krazies made several bold personnel moves and they paid
off as they took over the overall top spot in the league after a 41-22
win over the hapless Fish Clubbers. The losers are continuing a downward
spiral since their overall number 1 ranking in 2003 that never did pay
off in a JIT crown.
Right on the Krazies' heels are the DCStL Yeah Dudes, who despite their
cumbersome name and history of mediocrity are breaking out in 2005, the
latest evidence being a 46-26 throttling of the Aventura Hellraisers.
Shaun Alexander continues to be one of the steadiest performers with another
2 TD performance, in leading the Yeah Dudes to the point total lead.
Taking the biggest tumble were the CA Snatch, who fell and fell hard
from the ranks of the unbeaten, falling 17-5 to the thankful Baylick
Browns in a game that was about as graceful and artistic as the FSU
Miami game Labor Day night. Despite a 4-1 record, the Snatch have some
serious personnel issues with which to cope in the coming weeks as injuries
mount.
The surprising Hadley Hoodlums took a winning record into the deepest
part of the season in a while, running their record to 3-2 after 39-20
dismantling of the Blowsticks. The loser took it on the chin this weekend,
suffering through NFL and FF pain after the CFA disappointment in Happy
Valley Saturday. Do they have Fantasy Texas Hold 'em?
Off the schnide at last are Buzzard's Boozers, who beat the team they
displaced in the NNFC, the Florida Fisters, 30-15. Owner Chad Buzzard
will be happily opening his wallet as his promised free cheesy Gordita
crunches for the whole team after they won their first game. On the other
side of the coin, the Fisters promised cement shoes for anyone involved in
losing to the Boozers. Could get ugly.
Finally, in the Liquid Plummer clogged pipe game of the week, Sammy's
Swingers eked out a 26-20 win over the Delaware Destroyers in wining their
second game in their new Cincinnati digs. No word yet on whether they will
be switching to striped orange helmets or resigning Ickey Woods, but we
all know owner Aaron Smith was doing a little shuffle this weekend after
the win.
Stay tuned as we adjust our sets and return to ridiculous Owner quotes in
week 6.
Week 4 Review
Week 4 - More, More, More! Some owners are feasting and still want more; others
are just looking for a few crumbs.
Aventura Hellraisers celebrated the renaissance of Peyton Manning with a big
65-36 win over Buzzard's Boozers, who would be happy for a cup of water and
some stale bread at the JIT Feast. The 4 Manning TDs kept the Hellraisers'
fortunes graphing like a volatile stock market - up, down, up, down. We're up
this week - way up.
CA Snatch on the other hand, used a consistent approach to run their record to
4-0 with a 31-19 over Sammy's Swingers. "Good defense, solid QB, hot cheerleaders,"
said Snatch owner Greg Mest. "That's how we get it done." Swingers' owner
Aaron Smith was unavailable for comment, out looking for Rafael Palmero's
dealer.
The Baylick Browns could not muster up consistency in falling to Delaware
Destroyers 30-16. "Damn players can't make up their minds to be great or to
hate," said owner Piccolo Swamy. In the meantim Destroyers' owner John Farro
celebrated by shooting his potato gun and driving his truck fast.
Kameron Krazies edged the Hadley Hoodlums 31-27 on the strength of overall #2
pick LaDainian Tomlinson and another 2 TDs for him. Hoodlums' owner beat himself
about the head, neck, breast and chest for leaving 23 points on the bench and
costing his team a possible win.
In the Krispy Kreme jelly-filled goodness game of the week, the Fish Clubbers
and Blowsticks tied 23-23 for the first tie of the year. Winless on the year,
Clubbers' owner Glen Fisher will take what he can get. "Send me to Mexico
City - I'll play anywhere! It's a kick! Taco Taco Taco!"
Finally, Florida Fisters came back on Monday night to edge DCStL Yeah Dudes
25-20 in a meeting of old conference rivals. Fisters' owner Tom Ambrosio
was subdued in victory, prefering to stroke his cat in his dark office and
mull (trade) offers he can't refuse.
Stay tuned for more exciting pricing games and showcase showdowns. Oh yeah, and
some football too. Don't forget to have your mascots spade and neutered.
Week 3 Review
Week 3 saw the surge of points and shootouts that were sorely lacking in the
first 2 weeks. Any number of players could be considered the player of the week,
but we'll go with Shaun Alexander, whose 4 TDs carried the DCStL Yeah Dudes to
54-46 win over the Delaware Destroyers. The points barrage left Destroyers' owner
John Farro perturbed: "I fahnally come out of mah depression, and wouldn't you know
it - I run into a billionaire mogul. Hot Damn. Time to go beat up on the other
conferences." Also riding the points wave were the Baylick Browns, who used a
balanced attack to defeat the Kameron Krazies 52-42. No truth the rumor that
the official game tracker on this one was called the "minority report". One of the
league's biggest rivalies, definitely snow white in nature, had Sammy's Swingers
topping their old nemesis Blowsticks 35-28. "It's nice to get that pariah off my
back," said Swingers' owner Aaron Smith. "I don't really know what that means
but I know I don't want Reeves behind me." The CA Snatch continued their
consistent play with a 36-12 drubbing of Buzzard's Boozers. Boozers' owner
Chad Buzzard was unavailable for comment as he was too busy short-selling
stock in, well, Buzzard's Boozers. Such are the growing pains. Florida Fisters
looked to get back on track and the doctor subscribed a dose of Fish Clubbers.
The result was a 28-12 victory for the drug buyer. Clubbers' owner Glen Fisher
could be seen tacking up cardboard signs in the neighborhood stating, "Garage Sale.
Next weekend. FF Players cheap."
Finally, in the pine tar game of the week, the "defensive minded" Aventura
Hellraisers stopped the offensively challenged Hadley Hoodlums 20-12. The
teams combined to leave 32 points on the bench. Hellraisers' Owner
Chris Ambrosio celebrated by attempting to trade his entire team.
Stay tuned for Week 4 and start of interconference matchups, stupid trades,
reactionary benchings and a little something we like to call "The Pizzinator"...
"I'll be bach."
Week 2 Review
The comeback of week 2 saw the Hadley Hoodlums overcome a 10 point deficit on
Monday night and edge the Florida Fisters 21-19. Fisters' owner Tom Ambrosio
is having a hard time coming by points the way he did the last 2 years. "I'm
about to knock some heads - and cement some shoes - if this keeps up," said the
none too happy owner. Also upset with his team was Baylick Browns' owner
Piccolo Swamy, who could only manage 21 points in a 23-21 defeat at the hands
of the Blowsticks. "45 point last week and now losing to the Blowsticks - how
low can one go?" interred said Mr. Swamy. Defending champs CA Snatch rode 20
Donovan McNabb points to a 38-33 triumph over DCStl Yeah Dudes in the shootout
of the week. "A measure of good practice, a cup of spirit, and a dose of the 49ers
coming to town is all you need to succeed," said Snatch owner Greg Mest.
Kameron Krazies also had a big week, tying Snatch for high game of the week
in a 38-14 whupping of Sammy's Swingers, who are still feeling relocation
pains. "It's so nice to see so many of you at the Desta Lake Club," said Edgar
Melvin of the Krazies. "We're going to do a tune for you now entitled Shama Lama
Ding Dong. So hit it." Watch your dates. The Delaware Destroyers rebounded
from a tough defeat with a 36-15 trouncing of Buzzard's Boozers. "Ugh," said
owner Chad Buzzard. "There's a little salt in the 'welcome to the league' wound."
Finally, in the Pepto abBismal game of the week, the Aventura Hellraisers scaled
the Fish Clubbers 23-10. Clubbers' owner Glen Fisher was reached for comment
but could nothing but drool and suck down some Yankee Bean Soup. One wonders
how long he can continue to write off the league as business expense on his
taxes.
Check out week 3 and see if the scores in the NNFC continue to average 35-30 while
the JAFC hover around 19-10. See if you can determine where the real FF
prowess lies.
Week 1 Review
Week 1 of the yearlong JIT 10th anniversary extravanganza started off with,
if not a bang, than at least a splauey. The NNFC saw the 2 closest games
that weren't decided until the clock showed zeroes on the Monday night
game. The DCStl Yeah Dudes, hoping to erase 4 years of frustration, edged
out newcomer Buzzard's Boozers 29-28 with a balanced attack. "We're just
taking it one game at a time out here. We want to win for our fans, and
for our dads," said Dudes' owner Gabe Glassock. Defending champs CA Snatch
got just enough points from MNF to top the Delaware Destroyers 23-22. Snatch
owner Greg Mest attributed the win to a great training camp, youthful
energy, and larger muscles from an offseason of carrying the heavy
trophy. One game that wasn't close was the 45-24 dismantling of Sammy's
Swingers by the resurgent Baylick Browns, who used 24 points from his
running back tandem of Deuce McCallister and Corey Dillon to take the
early, early lead in the high game point race. Sammy's Swingers' owner
Aaron Smith could not be reached for comment as he is moving the team to
Cincinnati, where they have been bereft of pro football for years. In
other rivalry games, the Hadley Hoodlums eked out a 21-19 win over Fish
Clubbers, who have been on the schnide so long the schnide is dead and flat.
Hoodlums' owner Tim Bishko celebrated the win by getting drunk and trying
to break into people's hotel rooms. (Security!) In their first year in the
same conference, brother owners Tom and Chris Ambrosio saw the elder Tom's
Florida Fisters once again best whippersnapper Chris' Aventure Hellraisers
32-16. Younger Chris could only say, "yeah man ff bullshit chicks hookup
with cats hooters after game!", or something like that. Finally, in the
"Vegas told you so" game of the week, the Kameron Krazies topped the hapless
Blowsticks 21-9. Blowsticks owner Mike Reeves, upon further review, will
bet neither the farm nor Wilbur the pig on his team winning it all.
Stay tuned for Week 2 action as intraconference rivals continue to butt heads
and it sounds like two empty coconuts colliding.
Draft Review
The 10th Annual JIT Draft and Idiot Convention concluded August 27, 2005
in fabulous Las Vegas at the Mirage Hotel and Casino, at least for those
considered "cool" in JIT circles. As usual, 168 of the finest players were
selected in the quest for the prize, or at least 154 of the finest players
and the Hoodlums' squad. Did you notice:
-That 3 Panthers Running Backs were selected before the starting Bears
Running Back?
-That many owners took the approach of stockpiling Running Backs and get a
Quarterback when you can?
-That the Krazies took the same 2 Quarterbacks as the Snatch from 2004?
-The Hoodlums picked a Quarterback in the 3rd and 4th round?
-Keary Colbert with the 168th may be the best last pick in 10 years?
-Mike Vanderjagt was the first Kicker taken, in the 6th round?
-The Ravens were the first Defense taken, in the 11th round?
-There were 8 Panthers and 8 Broncos taken?
-There were 2 49ers and 2 Browns taken?
All in all another good time for those in the desert. The rest spent the
draft twiddling their ball hairs in their homes. For more information and
photos, use the Draft Central link on the left.
EARLY VEGAS ODDS TO WIN 2005 JIT CHAMPIONSHIP:
Florida Fisters 12-1
Kameron Krazies 10-1
CA Snatch 12-1
Sammy's Swingers 8-1
Delaware Destroyers 8-1
Fish Clubbers 8-1
Aventura Hellraisers 8-1
Buzzard's Boozers 18-1
Blowsticks 20-1
Baylick Browns 8-1
DCStL Yeah Dudes 8-1
Hadley Hoodlums 18-1
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