Team: CA Snatch
Owner: Greg Mest, aka Met, aka Vomitous Met, aka Judge. One of the "original six", as the founders of the JIT League are known. Relocated team to southern California to take advantage of stadium deal. Gave over GM duties to his wife (GWT) in disgust over team's performance in 2002. Snatch running Snatch. Popularized such phrases as "Throw it to Coates!", "Throw it to Kennison!", and "That's what I'm talkin' 'bout". Continues using marriage, kid and commissioner duties as excuses for poor draft performance, as opposed to the 13 beers he usually drinks before and during the event. Known for vomiting on self while driving and subsequently turning on windshield wipers to rectify situation. Spends hours working on JIT web site and the sh*t still doesn't work. Enjoys when other owners complain about rules, web site and other administrative points. Adds to overall good attitude with the joy of being a Philadelphia sports fan. Tries to run league with iron fist but mostly uses a softening ass. Supplements draft day research with poor last minute decisions and changes of mind. Recruits cheerleaders via Veteran's Stadium visiting locker room.

• Favorite Movie: Top Secret!
• Favorite TV Show: Fernwood Tonight
• Favorite Song: Love Stinks
• Favorite Team: 1993 Phillies
• Favorite Athlete: John Kruk

Team: Hadley Hoodlums
Owner: Timothy Bishko, aka Dicko, aka Bitch-ho, aka Beaknose, aka Figment. One of the original six. Known for drafting the entire Denver Broncos offense and Mark Chmura. Wants to know if Nomah is available at running back. Once scored 1 point in a game on a Broncos' bye week. Famous for misquoting every line from any movie or song he has ever been privy to. Still turned on by 40 year old crack addicts. Provides brunt of most other owner's jokes. Somehow won the championship the first year on the strength of Terry Allen; the sad part is that he continues to draft him to this day. Suspected of being gay, not that there's anything wrong with that. Watched BoSox game this past season and saw girl with sign - "Where's beaknose?" (Tina). Confused by simple questions, e.g. "Tim, do you have any siblings?" Tim: "What do you mean by that?" Tim has found modest no success since his year 1 championship, but does enjoy the draft, at least the parts he can remember. Mr. Dicko spends much of his time in a windowless office, counting tickets, and his spare time making pipe cleaner Red Sox player replicas. For you single men out there, Tim enjoys dry cleaning, binge drinking and Advil. Supplements draft day research with beer, bible reading and prayer. Doesn't seem to help. Voted most embarassing ticketing director 3 years running. Recruits cheerleaders from Wackos Atlantic Blvd Jacksonville.

• Favorite Movie: Borat
• Favorite TV Show: The White Shadow
• Favorite Song: I Touch Myself
• Favorite Team: 1995 UMass
• Favorite Athlete: Harry Colon

Team: Fish Clubbers
Owner: Glen Fisher, aka TV's Glen Fisher, aka Glen'r, aka Fishmon. One of the original six. Known for wind tunnel tested hair. First owner to turn 60 - and we ain't talking points. Is looking to put his winnings into fixing his hot tub (broken for 6 years running). Popularized the phrases "Shoppin' it around" and "What are you - gay?" (See above) Has yet to recover from drafting of Jerris McPhail in year one. Attempts to survive in 2 fantasy leagues but usually winds up forgetting who he has in what league - old age is hell. Still has good club seats available - he can put you right on top of the action. Could of been a contendah, if not for the Christmas lights. Famous in Jacksonville for wearing a carnation on the air as Digger Phelps' gay brother. Winds up babysitting Bishko most draft days. Considers himself "elder stateman" of the league, but really just considered senile by most other owners. Funniest video is of Fish riding wobbly bike home from Jax Beach bars after a few cold ones lamenting the lack of FF success or lack of club seats sold. Check that: funniest video is Fisher getting kicked off stage in Vegas trying to sing Love Me Tender. Supplements draft day research with voluminous paperwork barely seen through his bifocals and quickly forgotten by the owner as why he has it in the first place. Recruits cheerleaders in Tijuana (2 legs, not 4...usually).

• Favorite Movie: The Fisher King
• Favorite TV Show: The Lawrence Welk Show
• Favorite Song: Danke Shoen
• Favorite Team: 1941 Red Sox
• Favorite Athlete: Joe Namath

Team: Delaware Destroyers
Owner: John Farro, aka the Minimalist, aka Fay-roh. Joined league in the second season. Moved team from Delaware to Carolina in 3rd season in an attempt to get a better stadium deal. Blames last years' lack of success on second child. Wanted in 6 states for bringing car salesmen to tears. Never stood for a call in queue. Always sold walk up customers the best seats he had available. Charter member of the Woody Allen Fan Club. Worked his tail off for the Jaguars right up to and including the last day he worked. Has managed to play the last 4 years despite ongoing personal recession. Plans on attending 2003 draft, although for 1 day only. Must be that recession. Spokesman for the Bells Palsy Foundation - "How can you drink like that?" Has a 2nd career in sensitivity training. Is "doable" according the priest that married him. Comes to Vegas for draft but really spends most of his time trying to be the next Johnny Chan or Dunson Broyle. Supplements draft day research with f'ing America Online fantasy football report - at least he would if it didn't kick him off all the time. Recruits cheerleaders at the Piggly Wiggly.

• Favorite Movie: First Blood
• Favorite TV Show: Dr. Phil
• Favorite Song: I Ain't tha 1
• Favorite Team: 1993 Florida Atlantic Owls
• Favorite Athlete: Tim Tebow

Team: Hollywood Reich
Owner: Chris Ambrosio, aka Phantom, aka Shark, aka the Bald Italian. Joined league in the third season. Drafted Natrone Means for his brother even though he was hurt - nice - and didn't even wind up in a house foundation (see below). Helped Bishko to one of his best seasons in 2002 by drafting for his drunk, passed-out ass. Has been in law school for going on 9 years now, at least that's what it seems. Is turned on by chicks who eat a lot an pass out on the couch, particularly ones with their cat eating the crumbs from their asleep body. Moved his team for the umpteenth time to Hollywood FL in 2002. Known for disappearing from crowded work environments without anyone noticing (hence the name Phantom). Coined phrase "Yeah, man!" Lost 1/3 of hair stressing over group sales tickets in Jaguars' inaugural season. "Chris I got a group sales call over here." "Not now, I'm busy!" "OK, sending it over." Reputed mob connections. Runs A. Dehili fan club in his spare time. Fights constant diarrhea of the mouth and fingers. Supplements draft day research with Hustler photos between each page, then can't figure out why he drafted Trixie Boombastic and got the picture of David Boston wet. Recruits cheerleaders from southbeachhos.com.

• Favorite Movie: Best of John Holmes
• Favorite TV Show: Wild On
• Favorite Song: Like a Virgin
• Favorite Team: 1995 Jaguars
• Favorite Athlete: Natrone Means

Team: Vandelay Industries
Owner: Curt Huebner, aka Huebs, aka Hubes Pubes. One of the original six, played for 1 year and then p'ed out after a pathetic record. Regrouped for the next 11 years, then found an opening upon the dropout of the Browns. Known for infiltrating the Jag's Ticket Office after the team's disastrous training camp in lovely Stephen's Point, WI. Realized like the rest of us after about 2 weeks that this was not the way to a GM position in professional sports. Known for a custom license plate that says, "Huebs", which the entire Western world pronounces "Hubes" but he claims is "Heebs". Whatever. Has suffered numerous injuries jumping on and off bandwagons - where is that Florida Marlins 1997 Champions hat??? Is still working on that macaroni sculpture of his childhood hero, Stephens Point Zebra's star QB, Aaron Smith, still the record holder with 12 fumbles recovered for no gain in 1 game. Supplements draft day research with inside information provided by newspaper contacts like the 4th Ohio St beat writer at the Columbus Post-Gazette. Finds team cheerleaders at www.amihotornot.com/Wisconsin/XLarge.

• Favorite Movie: Lucas
• Favorite TV Show: Freaks and Geeks
• Favorite Song: Beer Barrel Polka
• Favorite Team: 1981 Cowboys
• Favorite Athlete: Scottie Pippen

Team: Atl Swingers
Owner: Aaron Smith, aka AJ, aka Vanilla Love. Joined league in the third season. Works less hours in a week than Dicko works in a day. Currently formulating excuses based on his ever-growing number of kids - 2 + 1 in the oven. My boys can swim! Known for drafting Errick Rhett in the 3rd round and still making the championship game his first season. Has hard time not drafting Brett Favre first. At times Brett Favre makes him hard first. His 3 favorites places to watch a game - Wrigley Field, Lambeau Field, Veteran's Stadium. Once tried out to be a porno actor under the name Chuck Long. Wants other owners to know he's got a pass today if they want to drink some beers and watch the Cubs. From Stephens Point, WI, home of the big black bear and Huebs Pubes. Claim to fame is being the only son of Rowdy Roddy Piper. Describes Iowa City gameday experience as "unparalleled". Halloween costume includes Magnum P.I. shorts, except, wait, it's not Halloween. Acts as sounding board for Blowsticks ownership woes. Supplements draft day research with finely honed psyche out tactics aimed at rival owners, gleaned from father Dell Griffith and a Tony Robbins seminar. Recruits cheerleaders at ***classified, doesn't want wife to find out***. (see: McDivot's teenage wait staff)

• Favorite Movie: All the Right Moves
• Favorite TV Show: Magnum P.I.
• Favorite Song: Rhymin' and Stealin'
• Favorite Team: 1908 Cubs
• Favorite Athlete: Chuck Long

Team: Blowsticks
Owner: Mike Reeves, aka Keebler, aka Kitchen Pass. Joined league 1999. Currently listed at 5'8", with heels. Has been known to say, "I can make the Storm. I can make the Storm" repeatedly in his sleep. Will make his first draft appearance in Las Vegas in 2003; related stories include the Red Sea parting and Elvis found alive and living in Iowa. Moved his team from "Mikey"(?) to TPA in first ever FF team relocation (apparently was the stadium deal) 2 years ago. Moved from TPA to ? last year. All moves and name changes in attempt to change his fortunes, which have nothing to do with making 7 trades by week one and then watching his whole team get injured. Blames lack of success on fatherhood resulting from marriage (and TB Lightning game). Has his 3 year old running 40s in an attempt to claim athletic success he never had. Enjoys looking at himself in the mirror wearing Aaron Smith's high school football helmet (see photo). Applied for kitchen pass from wife 12 weeks before draft, application was denied. Plans on paying league fee in change smuggled out from his wife's careful eye. Supplements draft day research with falsified rumors from Aaron Smith (see above) and panicky picks based on said rumors. Cheerleaders found through Lee Pack South Tampa Talent Agency.

• Favorite Movie: Invincible
• Favorite TV Show: The White Shadow
• Favorite Song: Short People
• Favorite Team: 1995 Ohio State
• Favorite Athlete: Steve Largent

Team: Kameron Krazies
Owner: Edgar Melvin, aka the Chocolate Prince, aka Mr Love, aka Chocolate Thunder. Joined league 1999, 2 time defending champion in 2003. Saved gigilo money and "borrowed" change from Aaron's car to afford his 2003 Vegas draft trip. Will earn extra cash on trip passing out those flyers on the street; will spend extra cash frequenting what is advertised on those flyers. Not noted for being trustworthy, was once accused of taking $2.35 in change (by me). Currently working on getting his golf scores below his bowling scores. Broke ankle on same piece of turf as Swamy; other owners accused him of faking the sheared bone in order to get out of playing. Looking for Cam Cleeland to bust out this year (is he still in the league?). Only brother in America who likes Duke and Notre Dame and to name his son Matthew. Changes his team name every year in an attempt to frustrate the commissioner. Once lost 16 golf balls in 1 round and still looked good doing it. Defended championship last year to the befuddlement of other owners. Gets his sports' insights from BET and his entertainment from Magic Johnson. Supplements draft day research with plenty of ink (black) and whiteblack out for tracking picks. Recruits cheerleaders from Dairy Queen and/or Dark Meet Escort Service.

• Favorite Movie: Soul Man
• Favorite TV Show: That's My Mama!
• Favorite Song: I Wanna Sex You Up
• Favorite Team: 1994-95 Duke Blue Devils
• Favorite Athlete: Greg Newton

Team: Da Gulf Coast Goombas
Owner: Tom Ambrosio, aka ???. Joined league in 1999. Hobbies include Raider chicks, biker chicks, speed boat chicks and Florida chicks. Suspected mob ties; suspected of "misplacing" an under-performing running back in a house foundation. Known for unoriginal original name (Tom's Titans) and slow free agent pickups. Changed named to Florida Fisters 2001 and suffered resulting gay accusations. Brother of most annoying owner in the league, Chris Ambrosio, although it is being found that he is just annoying. Has an unhealthy obsession with Al Davis. Tore much of his chest hair out during 2003 Super Bowl. Has Chucky doll hung in effigy in house. League is unsure of where team is based (Florida? Colorado? Bronx?). Seeking first playoff appearance this year (repeat). Second oldest owner to Glen Fisher, although the gap is wide. Supplements draft day research with help from personal assistants Anton and Guido. Recruits cheerleaders at bikerbabes.com.

• Favorite Movie: Goodfellas
• Favorite TV Show: Golden Girls
• Favorite Song: That's Amore
• Favorite Team: 1976 Raiders
• Favorite Athlete: Ken Stabler

Team: StL Yeah Dudes
Owner: Gabe Glasscock, aka is there any needed with a name like that?. Joined league in 2001. League expansion takes place in Boston, even though his team is based in St. Louis. Reminds fellow owners of Jeff Spiccoli. "Aloha, Mr. Hand." Enjoys doubles tennis, bologna sandwiches and long strolls among the piss clams on the beach. Idolizes Monty Hall and Bob Barker, but fancies himself more of a Wink Martendale type. Doesn't understand what that leaf is doing in his logo (talk to KY Jellies). Will buy special protective cups with a name like that. Seeks to better the expansion record of Blowsticks by a considerable margin - he's gunning for at least .500. Skipped Vegas draft in 2002 in order to attend sister's enagagement party, earning him the nickname "no cock". Youngest owner by a pretty wide margin, although experience means about as much as your team colors in this league (ask Bishko). Gabe brings with him a solid "yeah dude" attitude to the table. After years of floudering, he found his draft groove and developed a winner in 2005. For you ladies out there, Gabe enjoys short walks on concrete, flamenco music and playing the triangle. Supplements draft day research with herbal mind stimulants. Recruits cheerleaders at sorority parties and raves.

• Favorite Movie: Up In Smoke
• Favorite TV Show: Family Guy
• Favorite Song: Wasted Years
• Favorite Team: 1985 Cardinals
• Favorite Athlete: Kent Hrbek

Team: Buzzard's Boozers
Owner: Chad Buzzard, aka Buzzard, aka Jersey Boy. Joined league in 2005 at the opening created by sudden Jellies league exodus. Only owner besides commissioner to make every Vegas draft, now actually has to attempt to think between drinks. Brings along "general manager" DeeDee to help with administration; is afraid to admit she actually knows more football than him. Seeks to win JIT Championship to help pay mortgage on ludicrous house in Charlotte. Reality says a loan shark visit is in the future. Seems to be permanently shrugging his shoulders. Supplements draft day research with advice from casino dealers and pool drink girls. Recruits cheerleaders from the Dallas Cowboys and Atlanta Falcons, though all signed to short-term deals with out clauses.

• Favorite Movie: Leaving Las Vegas
• Favorite TV Show: Night Court
• Favorite Song: Cherry Pie
• Favorite Team: 2006 Buzzards Boozers
• Favorite Athlete: Tim Bishko

Team: BANNED!
Owner: Curtis Dvorak, Jaxson's Jackoffs, aka Jaxson, aka Jackoff. Joined league in 1999 as first ever buy-in owner. Purchased Crusaders (see below) for undisclosed amount. Drives around in most embarrassing vehicle in Jacksonville. Seeks real time on an ESPN "This is SportsCenter" commercial. Known for swelled, furry head. Was formerly a turkey. BANNED

Team: SOLD!
Owner: Doug England, Fresh Bush, aka Doug E Fresh, aka Fresh, aka Doug'r. One of the original six, left for 2 years to pursue a career as Star Wars toy designer. Voted best-dressed owner 4 years running thanks to extensive shiny shirt collection. Once called the hardest working Coliseum ticketing specialist by Judy Seldin. Would like everyone to know his hairline has always been like that.

Team: SOLD!
Owner: Tobey VanWormer, Chula Juana Crusaders, aka T-Rock da house, aka Dog. One of the original six. Has the best team every year after draft day, has yet to make the playoffs. First to realize that the only sound Bishko was going to hear was "the sound of trucker's balls slapping up against his ass". Once Grand Marshall of the Vassar Puerto Rican Day parade. Used to work in the actual ticket office in the actual stadium.

Team: SOLD!
Owner: Mike Stollings, KY Jellies, aka Koko the Monkey, aka Secret Agent Stollings. Joined league in 2000. Shocked league by reaching the finals in 2002; attributes success to going against instinct he has ever had. Making his 2nd Vegas trip in 2003 thanks to many drugs, too many to mention here. Working towards his goal of a "lower middle class" lifestyle (as long as he has enough to pay for beers, or something else that has two "e"s in the middle). Currently experiencing the summer of Mike. Known for getting hit by a car walking home from a bar and still walking 5 miles the next day with a Bud 18-pack under his arm. Has intense dislike for many things; thinks all other owners are idiots. In fact, thinks everyone besides himself is an idiot. Will not shock other owners with selection of Bubba Franks in the 1st round this year. If he does not make the playoffs, it is a conspiracy. If he does make the playoffs, it's another Festivus miracle! Known for dressing like a real "lady-killer", at least their eyes are killed by some of his shirts. Went to famous steakhouse and ordered potatoes and apple martini. Supplements draft day research with, well, nothing. He doesn't do research. He supplements draft day by stealing other owner's research. Recruits cheerleaders by number of teeth - less is more!

Team: SOLD!
Owner: Piccolo Swamy, aka Baylick Browns, aka Pic, aka 'lo, aka Schwamee, aka Brownie. Joined league in the third season. 1999 JIT League champion. Blames last season's lack of success on failed marriage attempt, currently working on "now I am married" excuse list for this year's failings. Known for attempting to pay a parking lot attendant with a credit card - had half of South Tampa honking at him. Rumored to be related to 1/4 of all 7-11 owners in state of Florida. Attributes lack of success to "putting all the profits back into the business." Blew out knee in failed comeback attempt on cursed Westchase field - the grass got in his eyes. Others claim it is the blinding speed and cat-like quickness of Arena League wannabe Mike Reeves (see below). Works at Checkers but doesn't wear the paper hat. Denies rumors of moving team to New Dehli for the cheaper labor. Supplements draft day research with bows towards the east, Swami mysticism and plenty 'o' curry. Finds best cheerleaders at youngbrownbroadswithoutdots.com.